three out of five

"we were supposed to be five children in our family. and now, we're only 3."


I've just recently discovered that reality when me and my mom were on our way to Glorietta last Friday(November 9, 2007). I wasn't supposed to be the eldest of my parents' children. Mom had a miscarriage probably during 1988. I thought, "I could've had an elder brother... or a sister?! I always wanted to have an elder sibling." but then, i felt sad for my mom. When I looked in her eyes, I saw loneliness and perhaps there's still pain left inside of her. I asked why she had a miscarriage. She said it might be due to too much stress and pressure. Then I asked her about the second miscarriage. She said that she can't remember when it occurred. I guess she doesn't want to recall that anymore. She also told me that she's not allowed to have early pregnancies after my birth because she had a cesearean operation.. that might triggered the second miscarriage, i don't know, I'm not sure. All I know is, we were supposed to be 5 children (either 2 more brothers, or 2 sisters or a brother and a sister). A gloomy vibe filled my entire soul. I felt really sad. After 18 years of my existence that I've just discovered these sad incidents that happened to my mom. Although some part of me is feeling lonely, a part of me is relieved. Relieved because I could have been the one that died, or the one that was never born into this world. Luckily, I am here. I am alive. I am relieved because If all of us are living, we would probably die anyway due to starvation. We may not have the life that we have now. We may be one of those people who beg for money to make a living. Maybe God lets us experience pain for us to appreciate more what it means to be happy. God lets things to happen for a reason, and that reason is not to make us weak but to make us stronger individuals.

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To the siblings I never had, I love you. :) I know someday we'll finally meet maybe not in this world, but in heaven.

To my brothers, I love you and despite the times that I want you both to evaporate into this world, I've realized that I am BLESSED to have you in my life. and I am THANKFUL that you are my brothers. You're not perfect, but at least your imperfections are the ones that would mold you into better beings of God. Perhaps, someday many people will look up to you.

To my mom and dad, thank you for breathing life to us. Without you, me and my brothers wouldn't be here. Thank You for the countless times you've sacrificed for us. I admire you for making ends meet just to give your children the best of life. Thank you for the undying and unconditional love you're continuously been giving us. Thank you and we Love you Mama and Papa.